Written by Don Hamstre, Alexander, Peter Marcelo, Hugo Noil, Erwinator, dustin, and Williamson
Hello everyone, and welcome to the OCM Awards: World Tour!
Why stick to one place every season to present the Awards there, when there is so much that’s beautiful in the world to go to! And before you all start complaining about the pollution that sending reporters around the world will cost: of course we just let them cycle to their destinations, not like they have anything else to do!
Our first reporter who will skip the rest of his leg days for the year is Peter Marcelo. Peter, where are you now?:
Peter - Hello from Limanu, Romania! So, it's time for the award that you’ve all been waiting for – the best U23 rider of season 65. And the winner is… Fidelio Marina! Fidelio, congrats!
Fidelio – (inaudibly shouts from far off yacht)
P – Fidelio, I can’t hear you! I thought he’d be right at home in a marina…
F – (now on dry land) Thank you everyone. I have to say, I prefer bikes to boats!
P – Well, you’re safe now – here’s your trophy!
F – It’s amazing! Now, I should get training… Where’s my bike?
P – Over there. No! Not that way!
P – Ah… I hope Fidelio can swim…
F – I can’t! Help!
Don: I’m sure everything is fine, what is the worst that can happen to you in Romania? We’ll get back to Peter later, but it’s time to go to Williamson for our next category:
LAW:Right on, from Kigali, Rwanda; one of the most amazing countries on earth, leader in sports talents, we’ll be introducing a new edition of the OCM Awards. Thanks to the Rwandan Sports Ministry that made this beautiful presentation possible (nothing in the background, just a sad bag caught by the wind).
LAW: Before we can organize this criterium around Kigali, I’d like to introduce the name of the best Hiller and winner of this prestigious award sponsored this season by Kigali Sports Foundation. With 32 votes, Karlheiz Zöllner is the OCM Best Hiller of the season! Congratulations! (The president of the KSF handed him the Trophy).
KZ: Thank you very much, very happy for this award after a tough season. Don’t forget to visit Rwanda, especially Kigali's National Park, with the most beautiful view, accompanied by traditional food or enjoy a safari tour (he pointed to his own Visit Rwanda shirt).
Don: You can always trust Williamson to be a corporate shell-out. But these Awards ceremonies don’t pay for themselves, so we need the money. And when a reporter doesn’t manage to cover his own cost, they’ll have a meeting with some undersea creatures while wearing very heavy shoes. So you better pay up Erwinator, wherever you are now:
EW: Welcome to Taipei, today the home of the Best Cobbler Awards. Great location, and being with you in the middle of the night during this ceremony is just an added bonus. Anyhow, the coffers of the OCM awards committee are again well filled by the Taiwanese-Norwegian oligarch/bank Andeby. And the only condition was that it wouldn't be about Luyando Kazilawe MD. You know, that doctor who is now also linked to… Oh oops. Ehm, so about the award: Txede Madu, congratulations on your award. You won a classic and a tour. Unparalleled! This moment is all about you. Applause!
Don: Attaboy! That’s a reporter who knows how to finance global travel. Not that our OCM bike portals cost that much money, but of course we need to spend a lot of money on extracurricular activities by the chairmen. Wait, you thought we had all these reporters cycle thousands of kilometres to their destination? Why would you do that when there’s perfectly fine portals available. How do you think we manage to get riders across the globe on the same day for races, magic? Sometimes people are so stupid… Anyway, Peter, where did you portal to next?
Peter – Salom! I’m in Tashkent, the capital of Uzbekistan, to meet a true legend of flat road riding and the best rider, as chosen by you, in the at discipline during season 65 – the great Immanuil Antonov!
Immanuil – Thank you! I have to say, I never expected to add a second award to my collection, I thought my best days were gone.
P – You’ve taken me to Tashkent’s Chorsu Bazaar. Does it have a special place in your career?
I – No, I’m just trying to sell my great nation to tourists. Did you know-
P – (Snatches microphone) Well, that’s all we’ve got time for here…
I – Hey, I was doing my tourism ad!
P – Yeah well, you're not allowed, you're not Borat!
I – No, that’s Kazakhstan… Honestly, these journalists – so stupid!
Don: If Immanuil wanted to advertise his country, he should have paid up! Luckily we managed to sneak that movie advertisement in there. Back to Williamson, who probably is responsible for those sponsor stickers I found on the inside of the portal. You’ll pay for the removal, but first, let’s present your next category:
LAW: Here we are, at Kathmandu, Nepal. If you want to train your downhill skills, the Himalayan descents are the perfect place to raise your courage and determination. Also from here, we’d like to announce the name of the winner of OCM Best Downhiller Trophy, who’s also rewarded with a unique descend from the K2, a challenge made for brave hearts. With 19 votes… Mihail Terziev is the winner of this prestigious award, congratulations! (LAW presents the trophy to the
MT: Thank you very much sir for this award, but do I really need to… you know, descend from that mountain?
LAW: Absolutely (The rider sighs as he stares at the big snowed mountain, LAW looks at the camera). We hope Mihail can be present for the next edition of the awards ceremony, proudly sponsored by Amstel, the most terrific beer in the world… one sip and you’ll be forever changed. Back to studios with Don (grins).
Don: Thank you Williamson, our World Tour moves on to a very nice and tropical setting, where we find Erwinator again:
EW: Good to relax here on the Comoros, where I have been offered a free stay by my friend Luyando K., who of course offers this just like that. We are also here to present the award for best Time Trialist. Luyando, you have a lot of experience with guys like that, don't you? No? Do you happen to know Paulo Salerno? No no, not the one of Anomala Racing Team… the one of Snooman of course! Never heard of him? Too bad, but he did win two world titles. Lucky I guess. In any case, the award is yours, Paulo. Are you going to join us for a dive to the coral reef later? Great!
Don: Thanks Erwinator! If you swim far enough, you might reach our next reporter, who is on one of your neighbouring islands. Mind you, in an ocean, swimming to neighbours can be a bit tricky.
Hugo: Hello everyone my name is Hugo Noil and I am here in Seychelles enjoying the ocean, the beach and the islands, this is a real paradise. Look at my tan, is it perfect or what?
Hugo: Now, It's my pleasure to present the Jan-Joost Dussel Trophy for Best Sprinter. This season it was a really close vote. The winner has 20 votes and the second place has 16. And the winner is... Isidoro Morgovejo, and Eddie Ulrichsen is 2nd.
Hugo: Isidoro is in his house resting, as a prize I will send him some photos of me having fun in Seychelles, hope he enjoys them as much as me. Please welcome our PR Manager Xabat who will present the next category.
Xabat: Thanks Hugo, I am here in Antarctica, let me tell you it's really cold... really, really cold. There's only penguins and icebergs around us. *whispers* Why do I keep being this clown's PR manager?
Xabat: Ahem! Sorry, I mean, yeah I am so happy to be here and ready to announce The Sterling Dorsher Trophy for Best Climber. I am joined here in this coldness by our 4 nominees: Karel Boerema, Maxwell Clackmannan, Joelson Garrido and Kerry Donovan. Say hi guys. *Everybody stays quiet shivering*
Xabat: Right, and the winner is... Joelson Garrido!! Congratulations my friend, your prize is a whole week, all included stay here in Antarctica! Yaaay! Enjoy it.
Joelson: Thanks... i guess. Hi penguins.
Xabat: Okay, now everyone else let's get on a plane and go home. Take it from here Don, and see you soon friends.
Don: Thanks Xabat, but you’re not allowed to fly a plane home, so I hope you brought some warm clothing, because the Antarctic has less optimal portal coverage. I’m sorry, I have to take a short bathroom break, dustin, can you take over stage duties for a moment? Thanks!
dustin: Hello, Kaushalya Manohara (Welsh Phoenix), hello, are you there?
KM: Yes, from Sri Lanka, loud and clear, where I am training for my next races, also on the same roads of the race 'Trincomalee-Jaffna' where the winner from this award won the race last season with Dan Masaga. And 'The Award for Best One Nation' goes to the well known team Willunga Hill from manager Coulter with 18 points before Goege Team with 13 points. Coulter, what did you remember from that race?
C: What a nice country, only I was focusing too much on the race, will come back soon.
KM: Good idea, I shall show you the country, and what cycling means by us.
C: Really great idea, thinking about a team training camp next season ...
Don (on video): Thank you very much dustin, of course I don’t need bathroom breaks, it was all a cover up for my travel to the USA to present the next Award. Unfortunately I’ve portalled straight into Las Vegas, which is definitely the worst place to be at any time, but especially during summer. The only upside is that this is the place to find the Best Young Riders, they still have the youth and stamina to survive a night in Vegas… Here with me is Ochieng Kishi, who I can congratulate with winning the Award for Best Young Rider! Ochieng, what are you going to do to celebrate this Award?
Ochieng: put it all on red!
Don: I am not sure they accept Awards as payment, oh, it’s gone. Well, good thing you’re at a casino that I own. Back to dustin on the main stage!
dustin: Hello there, are you there Fränk Schleck?
FS: Yes, I am here loud and clear from Vianden (Luxembourg), here where the winner from this award was second in last seasons race, Luxembourg - Vianden #40. And the award 'The Ian Defley Trophy for Best Old Rider' goes to my old friend Benjamim Fontes from Cokol Breakaway Team with 21 points (followed by Immanuil Antonov with 15 points).
BF: Thanks, really happy to win this at my age. Fränk, when we go again for a nice training cycling tour in your country?
FS: I have enough time, it is great for cyclists here.
BF: I shall make contact soon, I like your country, only your language, so strange ...
Don (back on stage): Lots of Portuguese people in Luxembourg, so I’m sure you won’t need to speak much of the local language, Benjamim! For our next
reporter, I have selected someone who is extremely good at riding Tours. He’s so exceptional that he’s the winner of our Award for Best Tour Rider, it’s Allan Robson! Where are you now Allan?
Allan: First of all, you should really have told me there were portals, my boss lets us cycle everywhere all the time, so I just took the bike to New Zealand. And I can tell you, cycling on water is a total pain in the arse! But thank you for the Award as well I guess. You didn’t send me to the most comfortable place though, it’s very small, and there’s some people with very smelly hairy feet walking around. And why am I wearing a grey mantle and a pointy hat? And I have to give a ring to Eddie Ulrichsen? Why couldn’t I just go to the Comoros and chill on the beach…. Here’s your ring Eddie, best of luck with it!
Eddie: Wait, what does it say inside the ring? One ring to rule the lower divisions, one ring to rule the top divisions, one ring to lose to Isidoro in best sprinter? What? That doesn’t make any sense! How can I be the best of all and not win in my own specialty? I’m so angry I could chuck this ring in a volcano!!
Don: No, don’t do that please, I’ll lose all my pow…, ehh, never mind. I don’t care about that little piece of rubbish. (whispers) Can someone please portal to that volcano to get that ring for me (whisper ends). Hahaha, what fun we have at each Awards ceremony. Let’s continue the fun with Alex(ander). Can you hear me from wherever you are?
Alex stands in a suburban shopping centre with a curtain covering the wall, a microphone in hand to create this impromptu stage. Shoppers weave their way through the presentation hurrying to complete their daily shopping.
Alx: Welcome all to the spectacular Eastland Shopping Centre in Ringwood, Victoria, Australia! This gives a chance to show off the best of what Australia has to offer the world.
I would like to first introduce to you Erwinator from the Legendary Silenzio.
Alx: Chatty as always, now to kick off the formal part of this event.
For The Award for Best Tour Team!
Erwinator: Wait, I wasn't nominated for that.
Alex signals to Vegard and Bobby Tables standing in the background. They pull a rope and the curtain covering the background falls to reveal the shop behind.
Erwinator turns around to see the neon words "Slime Lab" emblazoned across the shop as all the blood drains from his face. He turns again just in time to see Alex pressing a green button.
Green Glitter Slime shoots from all directions and turns the defenceless Erwinator into a walking Slimer from Ghostbusters.
Alx: Good luck getting rid of that glitter my friend.
Erwinator slimes off to find some baby wipes.
Alx: In 4th place with place with 2 votes is Pollyjean!
In equal 2nd place with 10 votes, mapei binachi and CyclingClubChomutov.
The winner, to no ones surprise after winning 2 tours with the one rider, scoring 17 votes.
The titillating Alpine!
Don: Our annual slime budget blown away in one go as usual. Alex really needs to learn to spread the slime over the whole season. Our next reporter is a specialist in performing for his nation across the globe, it’s WT Rider of the Season winner Agnar Torp! Agnar, are you enjoying yourself in Bolivia?
Agnar: Well, when you said I was going to see Titicaca I had something else in mind. Nice lake, but these salt plains I am on now were a bit hard to cycle on. But I’ve gone to this place, because apparently this is where Snowbear gets the lithium necessary for the batteries of his electric bikes. Ah, here is is! How are you doing my friend? Oh, you are not so happy to see a film crew here? Not even when they are giving you the Award for Best Manager? Weird. Hey, stop chasing my cameraman, don’t hit that!
Don: That’s what you get for not buying your totally honest and man-powered bikes from my bike shop. I’ve heard competitors like Zyte and WonderDee boast about the quality of their new materials, but my bikes will always give you the best results for the price of just 1 million! (use at your own risk, batteries not included in price).
Two more categories left, and one final roving reporter, it’s old man Äme Anderberg! Never too old to use a portal.
Äme: Welcome all, I’ve just travelled to my luxury lodge on an uninhabited island in the Pacific Ocean. It’s a great place and thanks to the portals I never had to enter this in my whereabouts! But today, I felt a bit lonely, so I invited some young folk to drink their bl.. ehm, to celebrate their youth! Congratulations with winning the Award for Best Young Team go to Geneve Roues! Now Per, is this chloroform I smell on this napkin?
Don: Good to see Äme as always. And he still looks so young! So suspiciously young….
I’ve had great fun Touring the World tonight. And I’m sure you all had as well. It was all so streamlined and well-organized. You could say it was well-managed. Maybe even the best managed World Tour ever? What is it you say, that I should get an Award for this? How nice of you all! Thanks for voluntarily and democratically giving me the Award for Best World Tour Manager! See you all next season!