Written by Don Hamstre, Williamson, Erwinator, Alexander, dustin, Peter Marcelo, and Hugo Noil
The Show of Shows, our beloved Awards Gala, is of course the biggest event in the world. But due to some unfortunate events during consecutive editions, the viewing numbers have been steadily declining. So this season, we took our time to prepare a big event that will get us back on the world stage: OCM Awards Eurovision edition!
We will show the world how diverse our OCM community is through the medium of music! Our first presenter of the night is Lance Williamson:
LAW: Welcome to another edition of OCM (applauses from crowd as Carmina Burana is played in the background). Yeah, a future beast of cycling deserves this amazing classic of medieval music, performed by OCM's Sinister Orchestra presented by The LAW & Disorder. So, the OCM's Best U23 Rider goes to… Isli Mezini!!! (Evil laugh can be heard as orchestra gets louder)
IM: Wow, thanks for the awards and this… uhm… great welcome… (winner stares at some unnoticed imps close).
LAW: Congratulations, Isli… exclaimed to the crowd and adds in lower tone - a soul for an award, mutters Williamson with evil grin (shows Isli the path to follow, to the imps).
(Music background changes, to some EDM themed mix, Ride Like The Wing, Michael Mind’s Klaas Remix)
LAW: Alright folks, the next winner surely can’t beat a powerful sprinter having an off day. But you don’t wanna mess this guy on a good windy day, oh no, surely not. So, if I say Wada Tomoaki has won this award, I’d be lying (laughs, Tomoaki sits down again, devastated). The real windy man, the Best Flat Road Rider goes to… Jacques Achterberg!!! (Winner shows up dancing on the stage)
LAW: Those are great moves, it explains how fast you are on the roads, congratulations Jacques! (hands the award).
JA: Thanks, it’s like that chorus… “ride like the wind… to be free again,” Achterberg sang with terrible voice, crowd mocks of his bad singing skills – At least I’ve won! – Jacques trolled them back and leaves, dancing.
LAW: Yeah, you’ve won. And cycling has won either, now… if needing a good teacher to make you a rock star, call Jintseng, you’ll become the next Amstel Cider Ambassador, sponsored by Amstel, most terrific beer in the world, back to Don!
Don:Thank you Lance, and I must say that Awards Eurovision is not sponsored by Amstel, it is sponsored by Don’s Original Italian Brew, with certified very diverse contents! Speaking of which, our next act is presented by Erwinator:
EW: For our next performance, we invite Amadeus Wurst to the stage. She is all dressed up with a blond wig and a baroque outfit. (S)he represents Austria with a beautiful song about respecting people from older age, and gives attention to the struggles in daily life for people that suffer from Alzheimer’s disease. A beautiful gesture. Wave your rainbowflags in the air! Amadeus, thank you so much. You are also invited to hand out the trophy for best old rider. Congratulations, Benjamim Fontes.
Don: Tear in my eyes, what a beautiful performance, worthy of a legend like Benjamim. At his age, he could still be the best cobbler in the game. Why don’t we just go to the Cobbler category next.
EW: Excitement in the green room where Benjamim Fontes, Valente Imbrignbio, Stepan Chaly and Darcy Zampogna wait for the votes for best cobbler of the season. For the points from Portugal we go to our correspondent Emma Harrison. Emma: The one point goes to Stephan, the two points go to Valente and the seven points go to…. Benjamim. Over to Colombia, where Nikita has the results. Nikita: the one points goes to Stephan, the two points go to Valente and the seven points go to Benjamim. Final points come from Slovakia, with Jano Ehn. Jano: Two points go to Darcy, and another two points to Valente, four points to Stephan and a final seven points go to Benjamim. Congratulations Benjamim, you win the award once more.
Don: Wasn’t it supposed to be 12 points? And why didn’t any of the point presenters comment on my dress? I’ll never do this much effort on my looks again…
Nest, a live performance from the winner of Best TT’er, who’s going to be the lucky one to present his judicial skills to us Peter?
Peter: This season’s best TTer is… Saalim Mumbya of Team Majones! Saalim, congrats!
Saalim: (screaming over his live band) Thank you! I’m so happy… hey guys, SHUT UP!
(Band lapses into sheepish silence)
P: What? I thought they were your band, here to help you celebrate?
S: Yeah, they are… they’re great guys but, as anyone who watches Eurovision knows, listening to industrial metal can be a bit of a trial…
P: Good practice for time trials then?
S: Ha… he’s as bad as Geraint Thomas… Anyway, thank you to everyone who voted for me, it means so much!
Don: (unplugs his earplugs) Wow, what a beautiful song, it makes me think back to my time as a young child growing up in the quiet hills of Tuscany. So lovely. And the hillers are next, back to you Peter!
Peter: So, OCM’s best hiller for season 64 was Drake Racing’s Hadley Trout! As for his compatriots in Eurovision, his route to the award was via an uphill battle… get it? Oh, never mind…
Hadley: Thank you! And stop with the dad jokes please, you’re embarrassing yourself!
P: What? I’ve got a whole set on fish prepared!
H: STOP! I’ve
heard them all before… Lets get on with some music… and no dad dancing!
(Hadley puts on an astronaut helmet and starts DJing)
P: Hang on… astronaut… Norwegian team… Hadley’s the guy from Subwolfer!
(Passes out with shock)
H: Oops… time to run… Keith and Jim will not be happy I’ve been exposed…
Don: I could have sworn that Niccolo Maffia was the guy in the astronaut suit. This whole thing seems a bit fishy to me.
Maybe dustin can help lead us down the path of truth?
Dustin: It is now time for the 'The Eleonor Berka Trophy for Best Downhiller'.
On the third place Jirí Racko 3 points and Vidar Skaug 3 points, second with 4 points is Lars Sipes.
And now, play the music ... and the music start 'Love shine a light' (Katrina & the Waves), yes the winner comes out England, and it is Shimon Samuels with 26 points, he is outstanding in his category.
dustin: "Shimon, how it is to introduce you as winner on this legendary music song?"
Shimon: "Never hear that song, may be my grandmother know that song, it seems me a song from the past."
dustin: "How is it to win this award?"
Shimon: "As expected, I was the best downhiller from the season ... special thanks to my team mates, without them I couldn't."
dustin: "Vidar, short reaction."
Vidar: "to go on the podium on the music from Alexander Rybak with Fairytale should be the max, may be next time if I win."
Don: Remember the days when the UK could still win Eurovision? No, me neither. At least they are so good at making things go downhill that they won that award. Time for a little change in tempo, what’s next dustin?
Dustin: Next, 'The Jan-Joost Dussel Trophy for Best Sprinter'.
2 riders with only 1 point, Xalbador Varela and Leif Johannesen, so we come to the second place, and that is Pusztai Aladár with 4 points.
And now, play the music ... and the music start 'Gwendolyne' (Julio Iglesias), yes the winner comes out Spain, and it is Isidoro Morgovejo with 31 points, he is outstanding in his category, he is allready a sprint legend
dustin: "Isidoro, Julio Iglesias is a spanish music legend and you are a spanish cycling legend, how does that feel, do you see similarities?"
Isidoro: "It is an honour, the similarity is the passion for sport/music, I think."
dustin: "Did you know Julio was professional football player by Real Madrid?"
Isidoro: "Yes I know."
dustin: "How is it by Team Aek?"
Isidoro: "Really great, what a fantastic sprint team and Adilson is a kind of a magic man, what he can do with tactics."
Isidoro: "Thanks all for the award."
Don: Oh, Isidor, before you leave the stage, here is your Award for Best Rider of the Season as well. Everyone knew you’d be winning that one any way, so I didn’t want to pay for an extra act. Time for me to go behind the stage now for a secret mission. Hugo, can you take over? Hugo? You’re not Hugo! Who is this guy? (Don disappears from the stage)
Xabat: Hello everyone my name is Xabat Pinelo, I am the pr manager of Hasee i am here cause Mr. Noil told me he couldn't make it. Lets get going.
Our next musical act comes from... south western vatican city? Okay, please welcome The Tortles!
*Hugo Noil and Don Hamstre walk on stage dressed as turtles*
Hugo: Hello friends, we are The Tortles and we proudly present: The Award for Young Team of the Season. And the winner is: Nørrebro Cycling!!!
Please come on stage to get this turtle trophy while we play our song. *Herluf Pellesen walks on stage and takes the trophy while Don plays the banjo and Hugo sings*
I'm a turtle
Look at my shell,
I'm a turtle
I don't give a sh..
Xabat: woah! Okay lets move on, congrats to Nørrebro Cycling. Those guys from The Tortles looked strangely familiar. Anyway, our next act comes from Arabian Guatemala. *whispers: is that even a real country?* Please welcome the Arab-Guatemaltecan guys.
*Don and Hugo walk again on stage now dressed in turbans and long flowered dresses*
Hugo: Hi! we are The Arab-Guatemaltecan Guys and we speak poco ingles. We would like to present to you The Eliás Márquez Trophy for Best Tour Rider. And the ganador is... Emanuel Claassen!!! Please come take this traditional Arabian Guatemalan food: Tacos!!!
*Emanuel Claassen walks on stage, Hugo starts playing the flute out of tune and Don is just standing up making Jazz Hands*
Xabat: Sorry about that Emanuel Claassen congrats and enjoy your tacos! I want to say i have nothing to do with this. *ahem*
So this is last act i have to present and they come from the Australian part of Italy.
Please welcome The Australian Pizzas!
*Hugo and Don walk on stage again dressed as chefs and wearing fake moustaches*
Hugo: Mamma mia! We are the Australian Pizzas and we are here to present The Award for Best Young Rider. And the winner is... this is not a surprise at all: Isidoro Morgovejo. Please come on stage and take this pizza!
*Isidoro walks on stage. Don starts playing the violin and Hugo sings*
Our pizza is the best
It's full of spiders
Just don't be afraid.
Xabat: Congrats Isidoro. That's all from me, let me say i
understand if you don't invite Hugo again. See you and enjoy the rest of your night!
(During the intervall, a video plays showing Äme Anderberg and Sterling Dorsher climb Alpe D’Huez in their wheelchairs)
Don: Hello and welcome back. I’m sure I’ve already seen my favourite acts, those guys were great and totally different people! From the Australian Italians to 53 times runner up in Best Australian, Alexander!
Alx: What a night ladies and gentleman. Unlike the previous awards this will be a straightforward award presentation of the "Award for the Best Manger of the Season".
Alx: Coming in fourth with 1 vote, El Pato.
Alx: Coming in 3rd place with 6 votes, MW.
Alx: Coming in 2nd place with 10 votes is the one and only Michael Danner.
Alx: This leads us to our winner, with 20 votes from Norway.
Suddenly the lights turn black, drums begin thumping in the background. A silhouette of a caped figure wearing a crown lights up the back wall.
Music begins to play before it abruptly stops. A faint chanting can be heard over the PA. As it gets louder the words become clearer. The word "Robbed" is being shouted over and over again.
All sound stops and Alx reappears on stage holding audio cables and a megaphone.
Alx: The winner is Snowbear, and this BS needs to stop.
Snowbear quickly retrieves his trophy which we can only assume will be tossed on to the pile of trophies he already owns.
Don: Ehm, well, that was special I guess. Maybe someone is not so happy you finished 2nd in Best Australian again Alexander?
Alx: I have been told to be more inclusive in my presentations and as this category contains Americans and Canadians who don't know what Eurovision is we will present this in a manner they understand.
Three chairs appear on stage with giant red buttons in front of them. Alx takes his place in the center chair and is joined by Bobby Tables and Vegard.
The Erwinator of Norway, MW of Netherlands, paceuts of Canada and beat of USA all walk on to the center of stage.
Alx: For the award of "Best WT Manager", in fourth place....
Bobby Tables presses his red button and green slime falls from the ceiling covering The Erwinator.
Alx: In 3rd place....
Vegard presses his red button as red slime falls from the ceiling and landing on beat.
Alx: The winner is MW for Netherlands!
The crowd goes wild as MW steps to the podium to accept his trophy.
paceuts looks nervously at the ceiling and takes a large step to his right. Vegard, Bobby Tables and Alex all press the final button together. From stage left a cannon of slime is launched across the stage hitting paceuts and the other contestants.
Don: Thank you for that comic relief Alexander, it wouldn’t have been an Awards ceremony without putting some riders through physical or mental stress.
Next up, for the award for Best World Tour Rider, we have a very confused Kerry Donovan on the stage. Congratulations on winning the Award, what will you play for us today Kerry?
Kerry: Why even bother with a music competition when it’s not in the USA? We have the World Championships in singing every year, after a 82 song season and playoffs. And I can tell you this, none of these stupid acts will make the Draft next season! Thanks for the Award though.
Don: Since I own a franchise in the World Championships of singing, I don’t mind a little advertising. Go Seattle Sirens!
But we have to move on with the show, and next up, we have a Battle of the Bands! Winner gets The Award for Best Climber!
On one side, we have Sjoerd van der Heiden. On the other side, we have Douglas Andren. Netherlands vs. Sweden. One, two three, go!
(both bands play at a volume so loud that it’s virtually indistinguishable who makes what noise)
Don: Well, considering that mess, why not give the Award to both of them? Yeah, why not. Congratulations!
Don: Next on the stage, it will be Eddie Ulrichsen, our winner of the Award for Best Rider Outside Top Division! Tell us Eddie, what will you be performing.
Eddie: I will be performing ‘You put the lime in the coconut’ by the Muppets.
Don: That explains a lot of your fashion choices.. But isn’t that song a bit dubious?
Eddie: There is a reason they keep me out of Top Division. (starts singing)
Don: I guess thank you for that eccentric performance Eddie. But it’s time to go to our Team Awards, welcome to our stage the Cycling Club Chomutov Band!
(The band starts playing music so beautiful that the whole arena is going wild)
Don: Considering the huge success of that act, let’s give Cycling CLub Chomutov the Awards for Best Tour team and Best One Nation Team!
And I think that was our last act for tonight. Thank you all for listening, and hopefully I will take a little less time preparing this event next time, because having a Eurovision Awards three weeks after Eurovision is a bit awkward. Regardless, hope ti see you all next season!