Written by Don Hamstre, tommy, Hugo Noil, Peter Marcelo, Erwinator, MW, dustin, and Williamson
Joy to the world! Cyclists around the world have once again been invited to the Awards Gala. A time for celebration, prizes, and usually a lot of stuff going wrong. But what you can always be sure about, is that at the end of every season, there is an Awards Gala. Every single season, without exception. Especially last season, which was great and definitely happened. Time to move on to the celebrations!
Don: Welcome everyone in Lagos, where we have rented out a Nollywood film studio. We expected it to be a little bigger than this, but nothing wrong with a cozy atmosphere. Time for our first category, and I’ll give the microphone to dustin!
Dustin (X): Who shall be the new Isaac Houston, Jorn Dijksma, who get a double, who shall get now the 'The Award for Best U23 Rider', and it is Qin Kejun, he beats his team mate Elmar Deimek and from team Amazonia u23 talent Xuan Jianqiu.
X: "Are you happy with the award?"
Qin Kejun: "Offcourse, it is an honor, but most important Elmar Deimek did not get him, he doesn't deserve it."
X: "Why, he is your team mate?"
Qin Kejun: "I know, it is a good rider, but I do not like him, he is a lonely guy in the team."
X: "I do not get it?"
Qin Kejun: "I shall it say shortly, he do not appreciate his team mates for the help they give. It is better he go to another team."
X: "The Erwinator, is that true?"
Manager Team Silenzio: "The only thing that counts are results, that is the only I will say.”
X: "The awards, do you like them?"
Manager Team Silenzio: "Yes, if my team win, I like them, but if others are better it is ok for me. I would like if there come some flexible award categories, I think about for example 'the team with the best and worst tactics' or 'the most disappointing rider' and so on. About the format of the award show, all is fine for me."
Don: Thanks for the kind words Erwinator, I’ve heard you especially like Best One Nation Team. But I’m stealing dustin's spotlight here, back to you mr. X!
X: Who shall be the new Brent Meijeringh, Lars Bjorndal, Berhold Ketjijere, or ... , who shall get the 'The Eleonor Berka Trophy' for Best Downhiller, and it is Shimon Samuels, he beats the legend Berhold Ketjijere from Goege team and upcoming talent Donat Banach from Windy Millars.
X: "How is it to win this award?"
Shimon: "Really great, not expected to win from a legend like Berhold Ketjijere"
X: "What, can you say about last season?"
Shimon: "It was an amazing season, specially The Two Pass Tour, big fun to do it so well there."
Shimon: "Special thanks to my team mates, without them it couldn't be so as it gone."
X: "Are you happy with the award show how it is?"
Manager English Sprinting Team: "Yes and no, happy with the awards we get, but not happy that there are no awards for the best English team, best English manager, best English Climber, and so on. Also last season there was no show and article, missed that really much, missed the chat/couldn't be there, let it be or find a new format..."
Don: What are these strange things I hear about there not being a show last season. I was there! It was the best Awards Gala ever! Peter was there as well, right?
Don: Any way, time for your categories, take it away!
Peter: The best young rider of the season is… Isidoro Morgovejo! Isidoro, congrats! You comfortably beat your rivals to take home the award after another astonishingly good season.
Isidoro: Thanks! I had some real motivation in season 63, given I missed out on an awards gala for my wins in 62. Even if it was kind of my fault…
P: Wait, were you organising it or something? Were your wins all a fix?
I: No, ermm… Well, you see, to celebrate my wins, me and Don went out on the town in Bergen for a few days… He ran out of time, got a bit hung over…
P: Oh dear… Make sure he stays sober this time!
I: I’ll do my best… I wasn’t a good influence last season.
P: Well, you're only young... Maybe your manager will have to have words.
Don: What is this slander, I don’t even know this Isidoro guy. And he’s way too young to drink any way. Youth these days… Maybe Young Teams are more responsible.
Peter: The best young team of the season is… Competitive Edge! Congrats to manager Jimbo and his team!
Jimbo: I’m so happy! The boys deserve this so much, I can’t wait to show them the trophy! Hang on… Where is the trophy?
P: You can’t have it!
P: Well, you see, its why there was no gala last season. I won the award for season 61 and refuse to give up the trophy!
J: What!!! You can’t do that! Don! Help!
Don: What the heck Peter? I already gave you a trophy at last seasons Awards Gala that definitely happened. Give it to Jimbo right away. And your microphone privileges are gone now, time for Williamson (LAW)
to take over.
LAW: Welcome to another edition of OCM Awards. This time we will know and reward the best riders and teams of S63, after some editions we will have another award ceremony back at the OCM Cycling Theater. However, there’s a growing suspicion among the contenders and guests celebrities, if the chart on top of the building says S63 Awards, what happened to S62's ceremony?
Rumors say the aforementioned ceremony never happened, just like the voting to find out the winners. Also, some of the “winners” reported to official authorities their respective trophies never arrived at their places, others said they just received a drawing of a trophy, signed by the Awards Committee… and wait a second, I’ve just received an official letter from the Committee that says I shouldn’t be saying… oh OK, now I get it (winks).
Don (whispers): You better shut your mouth!
Don (aloud): Hahaha, such good jokes, Williamson is such a good comedian. Let’s see how fun he will make the next category!
LAW: Time to meet The Gale Reason and Sieuwerd Schimmel Trophy for Best Cobbler.
I think we should think (redundancy) rename this award. We all know who won this before the season starts, so; a big applause and make some noise for Benjamim Fontes, Best Cobbler of Season 63! (Applause can be heard on the background).
BF: Thank you, but where’s the other trophy? I also won last season! (LAW waves his hand, security arrives) – I want my other Award, this is illegal!!! (BF shouts and curses while security drags him out of the building).
LAW: That was so close folks, but I think Mr. Fontes is really happy for another great win, 29 votes out of 35, what a beast! Time to find out another award winner.
LAW: The Jan-Joost Dussel Trophy for Best Sprinter was a two-horse race and believe me, they were really fast. But only one of them could win and… with 18 votes, the Best Sprinter of S63 is… Isidoro Morgovejo!!! (Applause and whistles from the crowd, some people wave a giant flag of Spain).
IM: Thank you so much for this award. It was a great season, and especially during Nederlandse Tour; even without top form! I want to thank my manager, trainers, team mates, staff, my mother, my father, also my family and I would thank especially to those whom… (LAW waves his hand again, security appears) - … I also want to thank my sponsors… what the… (Security grabs him by the arms and drags him out of the building) – I haven’t finished!!! Isidoro shouts.
LAW: Definitely, a man of words. Too many, I guess. Well, I’m glad you liked the results of these two trophies, any complaints won’t be heard and as usual, this section was sponsored by Amstel, the most terrific beer in the world. Back to you, Don!
Don: Well done to security for removing that dangerous man. Speaking of which, it is time for a trophy which Donald from Andeby has dominated this season. The Award for Best Time Trialer goes to Jens Mæland! Does this make his manager happy? Of course not, he wants more! Will he also get the Award for Best Flat Road rider? No! Gert Luysen wins the Award. His manager, OCM Awards Co-Chairman Frank Holwerda, is obviously very happy. And for Donald, it might be time to join the Committee so he can bribe better? What do you think MW (DeRodeLantaarn)?
MW: No comment….
Don: Well said! You win the Award for Best One Nation team! As always, we as the Awards Committee are a beacon of transparency. To prove this, I will now pick a random member of the public to present the next category. How about you MW?
MW: Wow, what an unexpected honour! The next category is The Aleksander Hetland Trophy for Best Hiller.
Please welcome the winner Carl Wilson to the stage.
“Congratulations with your trophy Carl.”
“I heard you were a little bit afraid to come here and collect your trophy?”
“Yes that is right and thank you. I think the Awards Gala didn’t took place last season, because the managers were afraid their riders got injured. A lot of strange things happened here. Riders fell of the stage, on the stage and even backstage.”
“Well I’am glad you are here now and nothing happened.”
“Yes fortunately not.”
“Thank you Carl and be carefull the rest of the evening.”
Don: Nothing like that ever happened! No successful lawsuits have been held against the Awards Committee. We have been proven innocent in causing injury. Of course this is why everyone was there last season for the Awards Gala, unlike these lies want to make you believe. Our next presenter Hugo was also there, as he will of course confirm while presenting the next categories!
Hugo Noil: Hey, hey everyone! Hope you are having a great time. Some of you may be wondering why there wasn't an awards gala last season. Well... the gala was taking place in a warehouse and I had the key, so the night of the gala this biiiiig alien ship comes and abducts me. They made some experiments on me that I would rather not tell.
So this first category is for riders that climb as high as those aliens took me, I'm talking about the Sterling Dosher Trophy for best climber. The nominees are Todd McVanblarcom, Zhou
Xiong, Kholadeth Ammouayphone and Gordon Contantinescou. And the winner is: Zhou Xiong with 24 votes!!! Come take this alien stone as your prize. *Zhou takes a regular looking stone and smiles awkwardly* Zhou: thanks? I guess...
Hugo Noil: Okay he looks thrilled right?, let's move to the next category which is: Best Tour Team, the teams nominated are: Alpine, CyclingClubChomutov, MrSjaakBraak and Team Oasis. And the winning team with 26 votes is: CyclingClubChomutov!! Come take your prize, alien sand i put in this bottle! *Yaroslav Oplatka come on stage and takes the bottle*
Yaroalav: Hey, I saw you outside with a broom sweeping some sand. I don't think this is alien at all.
Hugo: Of course it is, I'm just clean like that my friend. *Yaroslav rolls his eyes and walks away*
Hugo: I hope you had some fun, keep enjoying your night and I will be seeing you on the road. Peace!
Don: Well, ok Hugo didn’t day there was an Awards Gala last season, but he is clearly crazy right? Nobody believes that alien story! Of course the real truth is that there was an Awards Gala, everyone knows that. Just like tommy, our next presenter!
Tommy: Next up is the Ian Defley Trophy for Best Old rider!
Rumours have swirled that last year's cancelled gala was a result of the lack of cabinet space for more trophies in riders homes!
That could certainly be the case for our winner tonight … cobble legend Benjamim Fontes … who now has his own race … maybe an IKEA provided winning prize might be in order!
The top 4 here are rounded out by Edeik, Antonov and Napolano.
Don: The Awards Committee is not sponsored by IKEA. Other options are available to buy your cabinets. Like Don’s second hand cabinet store. Cabinets with a history! (Don’s second hand cabinet store is not responsible for any contents still remaining in their cabinets)
MW: About time you quit advertising your own products Don, The next category is The Eliás Márquez Trophy for Best Tour Rider.
We have 2 winners this season. Please welcome Julo Lietava and Pusztai Aladár to the stage.
“Congratulations Julo and Pusztai. You both got 11 points.”
“Thank you. Do we have to share the trophy? This season for me and next season for Julo?”
“I don’t want to share with Pusztai. Always the same. To less money in OCM. It wouldn’t surprise me if that was the reason the Award Gala didn’t look place last season. The committee run out of money.”
“Well I don’t know if that was the problem, but I have a surprise for you both. We have a trophy for each of you.”
With a big smile Julo and Pusztai walk of the stage looking at their trophies and almost bumping into Carl.
Don: Thanks MW! Of course there is no truth in the financial claims Julio makes. We have a lot of money, I just don’t like to spend it! That’s why I asked Erwinator to present the next category, at least he’s cheap!
Erwinator: What a relief it is that the Awards Show is taking place again this year. Last season, the OCM world was turned upside down when presenter Nikita Kavarin suffered a heart attack due to a heroin overdose just before the start of the show. Fortunately, former controversial Andeby doctor Luyando Kazilawe was present and took a hypodermic needle of adrenaline from his bag of basically everything, and injected it into Nikita's heart, amid loud screams and cries from bystanders. Multiple managers and riders were so shocked that the show was cancelled in full. Nikita made it barely, and is fully clean now and here she is to hand out the next award [applauding all over for Nikita]: “Benjamim, you have been through so much here in the Awards Shows and this year, you have won an award that you haven't won much before, the "Best Rider Outside of Top Division Award". Benjamim says, "Best of the rest hmm? I'm used to being the best of everyone. What am I doing outside of the top division in the first place? Fortunately, I get a chance to race in my own league this season. I'm supposed to race at the highest level. And don’t you forget, Fabio [Borges, ed.], I am coming for you!" Nikita: “That’s all very cool, but you cried like a baby when you saw me crawling on the floor last year, I was told” [awkward silence till applauding starts again].
Don: So anyway, hahaha, what a nice joke, of course there wasn’t an Awards Gala last season, so this story can never be true! And even if it was, we are not responsible for any of it! I plead the fifth! That doesn’t work? I will just bribe those who were there by giving them trophies. Erwinator, do you want your rider to win The Award for Best WT Rider? Yes? Ok, Gus Bailey can have it! Now stay silent!
Michael, manager of the England NT also claims to have been there? He can have the Award for Best WT Manager!
Isidoro, my friend, of course you can have the Äme Anderberg trophy for Best Rider of the season!
Anyone else, I have Best Manager left? I guess I better just give that one to Donald from Andeby, maybe he’ll stop complaining about my relationship status. Any way, it’s suddenly time for me to leave. It’s been a pleasure to host you all, and see you next season!