Written by Don Hamstre, Frank Holwerda, Hugo Noil, wronskian, MW, dustin, and Williamson
Yarr! The OCM Awards Gala is sailing for adventure on the big blue wet thing. This may or may not be due to a small disagreement with the tax authorities. But can you think of a better setting for the best of the best to get their Awards than the ocean?
As usual, I see nothing that can go wrong, so let’s start the show!
Our first presenter of the night is (Lance) Williamson, take it away Lance.
LAW: “And finally here we are. This sunny and heated edition of the prestigious OCM Awards Gala, a bit informal this time (pauses and stares at the sea in disbelief). Yes, now to officially begin this ceremony, let’s get started with The Gale Reason and Sieuwerd Schimmel Trophy for Best Cobbler”.
LAW: “Alright, luckily he is sitting here in our place. With 44 votes, the trophy for Best Cobbler of the season goes to… Benjamim Fontes!!! And you shouldn’t be surprised” (laughs and drops the speaker).
(Benjamim stood up, leaving his cocktail aside and gets the trophy).
LAW: “Congratulations, Benjamim. Well deserved for another astonishing and great season for you. Any different thoughts from previous seasons?
BF: “No, it was too easy. Now I just want to celebrate properly this time”. (Pours his cocktail in the trophy and drinks, then runs to the bow and arms up to the sky, shouts) “I’m the King of OCM… woo-hoo!!!”
LAW: “Looks like our best cobbler is very happy this time, however; it’s time to consider as well his contenders… no, it takes a while. Anyways, not only the best riders are awarded and recognized in our Gala,” (again, pauses and stares at the sea, wondering why) “the teams that made this possible are also congratulated. And specially those who are completely formed by riders of their home country. So, without further ado, with 27 votes; the award and trophy for the Best One Nation Team goes to…. CyclingClubChomutov!!!”
(Manager Michael Danner stopped singing and gets the trophy).
LAW: “Congratulations on a hell of a season, Michael. What are your impressions with this trophy, best one nation team?”
MD: “Oh well, I already knew I was the winner. I read the results, didn’t you notice the envelope was open?” (smiles).
LAW: “Oh… well…” (feels embarrassed after realizing this) “it’s OCM folks. Neither you seen nor heard any of this.” (Laughs from public, exhaling in relief after making up the mistake). “Thanks for you honesty Michael and congratulations again.”
LAW: “Alright. Sometimes the Top Division doesn’t witness the amazing performances of riders outside the highest level, perhaps OCM TV only has one channel. This award, Best Rider Outside Top Division recognizes the great effort done on “lower” divisions and their stories. What am I saying? With 30 votes and 2 nulls, the winner of the trophy is… Douglas Brasil from Brazil!!!”
(Nothing happens, stares around and no sign of the winner. Suddenly, some splashing can be heard from the sea).
DB: “Down here! I’m here!” (shouts from the water, completely dressed and extending his hand, gets the trophy).
LAW: “Congratulations Douglas, I guess you were a bit in heat and approach the occasion (laughs).
DB: “No, actually it took me two hours to get here… swimming. Manager didn’t come and… I have no boat or a jet ski, anyways; it will be a nice training” (Douglas leaves, trophy in one hand while swimming with some discomfort… until he drops the award) “No, no, no, you are not going down!” (exclaims before diving in to the ocean).
LAW: “I guess he will be fine. Douglas Brasil, folks, best rider outside Top Division and what a great swimmer, indeed” (laughs from audience around and in other boats). “Time to announce other winners, and some beers for all, of course… Amstel is your best pick for the heat” (winks).
Don: And of course other brands are available! Like my very own Don IPA, which definitely does not contain 0.1% of the blood of my enemies. Hahaha! Ehm, time to do the next categories. MW, the stage is yours.
MW: Here is the winner of The Award for Best U23 Rider, João Vecchi. "Hi João congrats with your award."
"Hi, yes thank you. I'am very happy with it."
"Are you feeling alright? Your face is all green and yellow."
"No, I feel awful. I don't like sailing, you see. It makes me sick."
"But my manager said,'' Come on how bad can it be."
"Are we ready? I would like to go now."
"Yes you can go now. I hope you will feel better soon."
"If I get off this boat I will. Goodbye."
"And there he goes. Poor guy."
Don: Luckily for João, I have just the thing he needs to cure his seasickness. My Schiavi di Vomito anti-sickness pills will cure any kind of travel sickness. It will also knock you out for several hours, but of course every good thing has its price! Speaking of being knocked out flat for several hours, time for the Best Flat Road Rider category!
MW”: "Let's go on with the winner of The Award for Best Flat Road Rider, Leo Calderone." "Hi Leo, congrats with your award."
"Thank you. It was close with Kent Stagno but only the best can win."
"Well that is right and you did win."
"Are you having a good time here?"
"Yeah this trip makes me think about Italy and the sea."
"You like my outfit?. I look like a true sailor don't I?"
"Yes you look like a very tough guy."
"We are ready Leo, Thank you and good luck in season 62."
"Thank you. I think I will go to the captain. Maybe he can use my help. Bye Bye."
Don: What a lovely enterprising kid he is. Just like the kids at my Schiavi Brand development Branch, who came
up with this boat rental scheme, I mean, company. Love them! They even rent out rowing boats, as is shown by the nominees for our next category, 'The Eleonor Berka Trophy' for Best Downhiller. Can you see them already, dustin?
dustin: " Look there in the distance, oh my ... what's that, holy ... a speedboat passes really close by the rowing boat with the nominees."
We are going to our reporter somewhere on the water. "Hello, what happened, do you have some information about the downhillers?" "Yes, they are alive, no real damage to the rowing boat, no contact between the boats, only a real big wave, o wait, problems, a lot of water in the boat, what now."
The manager of Jonte Seger calls him and says, the boat is too heavy, do something, the others hear that and look to each other, bye bye Jonte (4th).
The boat still sinking, what now, the three survivors go to fight to survive, Shimon Samuels loses his balance, see you later Shimon (3rd).
More and more water in the rowing boat, Sandy and Jan looks to each other, and in a second Sandy makes a decision, Sandy takes a paddle of Jan and pull and push, it works, Jan Stuyck (2nd).
Finally Sandy Bousquet goes as fast as possible to take his award before the boat sinks, mission accomplished.
Don: Hamsterfloat Boat Rental is in no shape or form responsible for the sinkability of its products. Any way, moving on to our next category dustin!
dustin: Where are the nominees for 'The Sterling Dorsher Trophy' for Best Climber? Has anybody seen them? Reporter, do you see the climbers, we do not know where they are, the award ceremony is beginning?"
"Yes, a while ago they passed our boat, we shall go after them, I shall report what I see. In the distance I see several boats, that must be the climbing nominees."
There is the first one, it is Kholadeth Ammouayphone with his slowboat. It was a good season for him, with 4 wins, among which 2 stage wins in the Norway Tour. (4th)
A bit before him we see David Engalychev with a wikingerschiff, that must be the boat of his manager. Also a good season for him, 2 division one wins, in total 15 top 9's in division one. (3rd)
Then we see nothing, o yes, a lot before the other 2 boats. Next one is Bengt Dahlström with his kayak. 6 results for him, 2 wins (Devil´s Tour of Tasmania, Picos de Asturias), all in division one. (2nd)
In front is Todd McVanblarcom with his canoe. A great season for him with a nice classic win, Alpe d`Huez Classic, 4th in another classic ( Zürich-Bern-Zürich), another division one race win, in total 6 division one results (+ WT-A win and CoN result), good for an award.
Don: And of course all of these boats prove the variety that you can get while renting from Hamsterfloat. We now offer rowing boats at a reduced price! Time to sprint to the rental office! And also for the Award for Best Sprinter, presented by wronskian.
wronskian: And now let us introduce the winner of the Jan-Joost Dussel Trophy for Best Sprinter. Withour further ado, please welcome Douglas Brasil, winning with ample margin!
Brasil: Obrigado, obrigado. Just to make it clear in this context, I may be the best sprinter of the OCM peloton, but I'm definitely not a good sprinter boat, hehe.
*confused looks and some sympathetic fake laughs among the public*
Brasil: Just saying, if you want to smuggle some goods and escape from police, I'm not your man, hehe.
Borges: I'm old but I bet I can still beat you at smuggling and running away from police, remember I'm Colombian ;)
Bela: Anyway, Doug, with such jokes, you'll make a great dad someday ;)
Varela: But don't wait for that until you hit Fabio's age, or otherwise your little soldiers might not run as fast as you expect, hahaha.
wronskian: Speaking about age, please welcome to the stage another very fast man, the winner of the Ian Defley Trophy for Best Old Rider, Miles Illingworth!
Illingworth: Thanks, thanks everyone. I might be old but I still could beat this guy Brasil if I really wanted to ... but retired life is good.
Feijoo: Sure, this is the reason you compete in Div3, because you can beat the world's best sprinters, aha.
Helwig: Huh, what's wrong with competing in lower divisions, old fart?
Illingworth: At least I don't have to lead out for 21-year-old newcomers baby ;)
wronskian: I am afraid we might need to cut the banter here before a wheelchair fight ensues.
Don: Want to settle a fight? Oh, I am actually not allowed to advertise that particular part of my enterprises? Can’t even promote swift solutions to conflict any more these days. What is wrong with the media!
Now we’ll move to our brand new reporter Hugo Noil:
H.N: Hello everyone, it's a pleasure to be here with all this beautiful and talented people.
Now it's time for the award for the best tour team.
The nominated teams are: ABK, CyclingClubChomutov, Spin Doctors and Totalidade.
And the winner is, oh my, with 36 votes: CyclingClubChomutov please come get your prize and trophy.
*Don approaches and whispers to Hugo*
Ahem.. okay, seems like we have a little problem.
A big, big wave hit the boat and all CyclingClubChomutov fell to the sea, well not everyone one of the trainers is still with us, please welcome Astor Backlund!
Here's the trophy for your team Astor, tell us how you feel.
*Astor receives the trophy and takes the microphone*
AB: On behalf of all my team and our manager Michael Danner, i want to thank everyone,
i hope all the team knows how to swim.
HN: Thanks Astor, i hope so too. *turns to Don* i told you we needed a bigger boat.
Anyway, the next category is the award for best young rider!
The riders nominated are: Janis Neubauer,
Jarolím Samko, Jorge Couto and Wouter Driessen.
A lot of J names there, and the winner is: Wouter Driessen! He has 5 wins in his career so far, impressive let me tell you.
Wouter before receiving your prize you want to say something?
WD: Yes, i want to thank everyone here and my manager MW thanks for all your support. You know, my mom always tells me I need to find a "real" job where I earn money, now with this trophy I can sell it and buy something for her. I want to make her happy.
HN: emotional words ladies and gentlemen, here is your prize Wouter, I know your mom will be happy, a tuna fish, let me tell you is not that fresh, as it is canned tuna and we found it in Don's basement.
Better eat it fast my friend, I'm sure your mom will be proud.
Okay I also want to thank everyone for this opportunity and remember life is like the sea: full of fish and opportunities and when it's dark everything gets quiet and lonely. See you all, my friends.
Don: Come to Don’s Basement Bargains for the best canned tuna and canned unspecified meats! Don’s Basement Bargains unspecified meats also is the main diet of most of the nominees in the next category, The Award for Best Tour Rider!
Who is the 0.00000000000000000001% best rider of the Tours? It’s Bernard Cowell of Spin Doctors! His second win in a row! But wait, there is another winner? Dear me, the celebratory unspecified meats will have to be shared by Dang Zhijun, who rode for Totalidade last season. What are the chances of a tie? Pretty high to be honest, but still nice to see one!
*suddenly the sea gets very rough, the chairs fall all over the deck, people crash into each other*
Oh no, it’s a wave of shitposts! That can only mean one thing… It’s Bobby Tables coming to pick up Douwe Bruin’s Aleksander Hetland trophy for Best Hiller! Douwe is rumoured to be one of my distant cousins, but this obviously has nothing to do with his win here. Congratulations on a great season Douwe!
Now over to the Kid’s deck, where the managers nominated for Best Young Team are playing in some very cute pirate costumes (available for rent at Fancy Dons Dress Shop). Look at them enjoying themselves! But what is this? Peter Marcelo, former reporter of the Awards Gala, steps in and takes away all their toys! Including the Award for best Young Team! I guess he matured a little faster than the others…
A few categories left, so time to move on to our final reporter, Frank Holwerda.
Frank: How to determine the best Manager in OCM? Isn’t it just the manager who gets the most points with the team? We will see how the OCM community thinks about this. They are all on the quay screaming and shouting. Most of them are shouting the same name: “Michael, Michael!”. In fact I don’t think I hear anything else but that name. I guess that is settled then. Michael Danner is the best manager.
But how about the manager that took first place in the rankings, Tossboom? I don’t think he even gets more shout outs than Alexander.
Frank: Now on to the Award for Best WT Manager
The votes are counted and obviously there was only one manager really in the race to get this award. JF from Australia is voted as best WT manager. I would love to give him this well-earned award but I hear he just got seasick. Well actually, I miss a lot of people here. I guess the sea has been a bit rough the last hour. The award will be handed over when we arrive in the harbour. Also I would like to mention paceuts and Jaroslav coming in second and third.
Frank; Allright, I want all the nominees for Best WT rider to stand on deck here in front of me. Darcy Zampogna, Elias Roesner, Gus Bailey and Phineas Croft. Nice in a line, yes, a little bit of room between you. Perfect!
The first one to get a little push is Phineas Croft. He is not the winner. The next one who goes swimming is Darcy Zampogna. Two riders left on the deck, who will win this award? Elias Roesner also gets pushed and falls into the water. Gus Bailey is the best WT Rider, congratulations!
Don: Just three more categories left! Who is the best Rider of them all? No surprise here, as it’s Benjamim Fontes who wins it again! He seems to have kept his celebratory promises made during Best Cobbler, and is not feeling so well any more after his uncontrolled alcohol consumption. Don’t drink and sail kids!
Next up, it’s the Award for Best Time Trialer. This season we had 3 nominees from the same team. But will the fourth one steal their thunder? Of course not! It’s a well deserved award for Ramiro Mendiluce of Team Chili! We are now interviewing his manager Alexander:
‘Finally, after being robbed of so many Awards for Best Australian, my team gets the win it deserves!’
Don: You know that’s not a real Award right?
Don: It’s a joke Award
‘You gotta be kidding mate, I’ve been tracking the results of all Australians all season long each season for nothing?’
Don: Well, not entirely. Because since you also tracked a lot of other results and shared those with our Community, they have voted you the winner of the Community Contribution Award together with Michael of English Sprinting Team!
“I told you not to nominate me for that! That’s it, I’m done with you all. Time for you all to suffer the consequences of your actions! Bot-pirates, attack!
Don: Wait, Alexander, no, Michael still has to get his trophy, stop, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh
See you next season for the next Awards Gala presented by our bot overlords!
Massive thanks to all the writers helping out, I enjoyed their contributions massively, and I hope you all did as well!