Written by Don, MW, Frank, paceuts, Williamson, dustin, wronskian and Erwinator
The Awards: the highlight of some careers, the biggest disappointment for others. But no matter who wins, nobody is safe from the many technical or procedural issues that arise during the Awards. For example: for some reason, the Awards Committee decided that the gala would be held in a zoo, and that everyone would be allowed to bring their own pets. That might have been a bit of a mistake.
Don: Welcome all to the Awards gala! This season the U23 category finally grew up, adding many new races. This means that we finally had a field of nominees with multiple wins. For the presentation of the trophy, I will pass on the mic to MW!
MW:“I would like to invite our winner Uho Cardoso to the stage please! Congrats Uho with The Award for Best U23 Rider.”
Uho: “Thank you I’am very happy with this trophy. I think I deserved it.”
MW: “I see you got yourself a sandwich.”
U: “Yes I’am a little bit hungry. Hey what is that dog doing on the stage?”
MW: “Can someone please get his dog from the stage we are in the middle of a interview here!”
U:“I don’t like dogs and…”
Before Uho could finish his sentence the dog quickly took the sandwich out of Uho his hand and run away with it.
Uho looks very disappointed. “He took my sandwich!”
MW: “Well there are more, so here is your trophy and get new one.” And there he goes.
Don: Well, the vibe can only go up after that. So let’s do the Climber category!
MW:“Please can I have our winner Bengt Dahlström on the stage. Hi Bengt, congrats with The Sterling Dorsher Trophy for Best Climber!”
Bengt:“Thank you I’am very happy with this trophy.”
MW:“What are you waving with your arm Bengt?”
B:“There is a bee buzzing around my head. Get away.”
Bengt is still waving with his arms.
MW: “Maybe he likes your perfume, because you smell very sweet.”
B:“Yeah whatever, he irritates me and I want to go away form here.”
MW: “Here is your trophy.”
Thank you was the last Bengt said and he quickly runs of the stage.
Don: Don’t forget, we need the bees to survive! Unless you are allergic to bees I guess, then it’s a bit of a double-edged sword. Speaking of which, riding cobbles is a bit like sitting on a sword. So let’s move on to the idiots who do it for their living. Dustin will be presenting it, and he has some nice surprises in store for the winners!
Dustin: And now we are coming by 'The Gale Reason and Sieuwerd Schimmel Trophy for Best Cobbler'. 4th is Vidar Kleven (Comfius), so Benjamim Fontes, Amare Maharjan and Brock Layne can come to the podium.
Third is Brock Layne (Squiffinator), you get your weight in sand.
And Brock, you have seen a lot of sand in the cobble races, are you happy with your price?
Brock: "Yes, I can use it for my garden, happy with it, can you send it to my home."
Second is Amare Maharjan (Alpine), your price is 2x your weight in cobblestone.
Amare: "Can I buy more, I want to use it for my garden in Nepal, so all my family and friends can see the real cobblestones.
And the winner is Benjamim Fontes (Cokol Breakaway Team), and your price is ... 2 camels!
Benjamim: "WHAT, ... 2 camels, what can I do with 2 camels, can not use it for my garden."
Benjamim (after some time): "They are cute, useful for our walking holidays."
Don: I guess he doesn’t even need water carriers to win now! Which is also the case for our next category, because they are the individualists, the time trailers!
Dustin: Indeed, welcome to 'The Gregory Levis Trophy for Best Time Trialer'.
4th is Frederik Dale (Andeby), so Alexander Lenoir, Gorazd Mesalko and Adolfo Astarloza can come to the podium.
The contenders laughing, what's happen, animal sounds, WHAT IS THAT
... they come to the podium with .....
Third is Alexander Lenoir (peddelen), why are you here with a horse?
Alexander: "A horse is strong, a lot of horse power, all I need in a time trial too".
Second is Gorazd Mesalko (Team Siverbo), what do I see, a rabbit or a hare, and why?
Gorazd: "It is a hare, my little friend, and why, he is fast, really fast, that is what I need in a time trial".
And the winner is Adolfo Astarloza (Megaman), uhhh, two donkeys, why you are here with them?
Adolfo: "I love donkeys, they are so nice and so curious, a time trial is so serious and when I am come back and see them, I can relax".
Don: I’ve always appreciated donkeys. They are the potatoes of the animal kingdom. Speaking of which, Dwalin usually has a rider nominated for Best Hiller. But will he win? Over to paceuts for the presentation!
Paceuts: The Aleksander Hetland Trophy for Best Hiller! All four nominees received votes, but this season's clear winner is, for the third time in a row, Dean Jepsen!
Congratulations Dean, here is your trophy. It's a mole - to represent mole hills!
Be careful with it! It might dig through your floor!
Next up, The Eleonor Berka Trophy for Best Downhiller. Once again, all nominees received votes but we have a clear winner for the third season in a row - Berhold Ketjijere!
Congratulations Berhold on your award! Your trophy is a peregrine falcon, known for being the fastest birds at descending in the world!
Just make sure it doesn't bite you - you already picked up an injury at last season's gala!
Don: Can someone please keep Berhold in wrapping paper? I don’t want the same kind of lawsuit again.
Because of that we have to cut costs this year, and present the Flat Rider and Best Sprinter Trophies at the same time.
Is it a coincidence that both are won by Gert Luysen? Some might say yes, others might find it very suspicious that an Awards Committee veteran manager gets both trophies. I say, if it pays my bills, I will give trophies to anyone! And now over to our beloved correspondent, Frank Holwerda!
Frank: We have a well prepared show here to present to you the winner of the Eliás Márquez Trophy for Best Tour Rider. With the nomination of Rokocoko we have the coolest name in the peloton, but he will not win this award. Also a rider named Ottokar does not win the award. But now for the announcement of the winner of the award I welcome Berta to the podium.
Yes, indeed she is a cow. Don’t be scared people, she is not dangerous. So that is it then, She does not do any tricks, thank you Berta!
For those who do not have a clue, Bernard Cowell is the winner!
Don: Thanks Frank, and I hope the cost for the cow was included in your out of your own pocket contributions to this year's show. On to the next category!
Frank: The Award for Best One Nation Team Allright, let’s have a little game to decide which team will be the best One Nation Team of season 60!
We invite five rats to the podium and we will do a little rat race. The five rats will be racing for DeRodeLantaarn, Goege Team, CyclingClubChomutov, Willunga Hill and Spin Doctors.
And off they go! Spin Doctors is off to a really good start, leaving all rats behind. CyclingClubChomutov fights back though while Willunga Hill and DeRodeLantaarn are not far behind. But all these big rats are surprised by the small rat racing for Goege Team. In the end he overtakes them all and takes the win!
Don: Time for some music I guess https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcoRmHHHNgI (Pink Panther - The Rat Song)
After that break, back to Frank!
Frank: And just when we want to begin with the award for Best Tour Team the crowd is yelling and screaming and running to the exit. There seems to be a spider invasion in the building. Three people are even bitten by the spiders. They are the managers of Team Oasis, CyclingClubChomutov and Nairobi City Cycling Club. Luckily there is a medic in
the building who proves to be very calm and helpful. Interestingly enough it is the manager of Spin Doctors. For his help to his fellow manager he will receive the award. Congratulations!
Don: I’m covered in spiders! Help!
….two hours later…
Don: Hello again, sorry for the inconvenience folks. It turns out I have super powers now. I guess I could have started saving the city from crooks, but that would not be a very good personal business decision. So let’s move on to the next category instead. Over to tommy!
Tommy: To read the bunch in the final kilometre you have to be wise. This year the 4 Best Old Riders all shone on the flat finishes. ‘Maybe I should have been a sprinter’ mutters Ian Defley as he reluctantly climbs to the stage.
‘Much like a cat has a tail, when you become a pro rider one thing is certain - retirement! However, in some places these certainties are nothing but a myth … arise your winner Miles Illingworth’. Miles collects his award with a sigh of relief. He won by one vote!
‘But Fabio told me I’d win if I won in Germany’ cries Ivan - maybe next year. Away from the stage Iwo Sokolowski disappears into Miles’s shadows, maybe he’ll emerge from them next year. When you can still perform late in your career there’s always next year!
Don: Ivan is just a youngin compared to Miles. He can still win 5 Old Rider Trophies after this! He almost qualifies for Best Young Rider! Speaking of which, time to engage with the young crowd again. After the great success of my rap last season, I thought I could go fully hip again, and do a challenge. I call it the Fish Bucket Challenge! I hereby challenge our nominees to get a bucket of eels thrown on their heads (while standing in a water tank of course, we don’t want the eels to die)! Oh, only Radoslav Dechev wants to do it? I guess he wins the Award then!
Now that all the kids tuned in for that sick challenge, time to do the Award for Best Young Team! I challenge the nominees there to..aaaargh! (Dechev suddenly shows up behind Don and dumps a bucket of eel snot on him)
I am sick of these challenges! What’s wrong with just plain old giving the winner a trophy? Spliff cycling, the honour is yours, congratulations, and let’s hope you will soon win one of the big team Awards!
And as for you, Radoslav, to get back at you, I will give you The Award for Best Rider Outside Top Division! That should teach you not to prank me! Wait, you're happy with it? Give it back you! Aaargy! (Don slips on the eel snot)
—--20 minutes later—-
Don: Thanks to the medical team for getting me stitched up so quickly! You are the real MVPs! Not this stupid Benjamim Fontes guy winning Best Rider of the Season again. This time the rest of the field almost got as many votes combined as him though, so they’re gaining! He better watch out!
Best Manager of the Season is next on the list. It was a very exciting season for who would finish 1st overall. But just like in the season, El Pato beats all the others and wins the Award! Congratulations on your very first Best Manager trophy!
The World Tour shows that there is real strength in diversity in OCM. We have 3 different continents represented among the nominees. But it’s Africa that wins for the very first time, as Goege of Namibia takes a well-deserved Award! A crown on his Namibian project?
As for Best WT rider, that was a bit more of a European category this season. And Otto Alards is the well-deserved winner, he was a major player in getting his team the WT overall win this season. Well done!
One final category for the evening, the one and only Community Contribution Award! As usual, no losers here, but one winner, and that’s Coulter of Willunga Hill. Thanks to him, the forum is enriched with New Zealand WT stats, the game enriched by The Two Pass tour, and the Awards Committee has a very valuable member to cover those obscure timezones. ;)
Thanks to all the nominees for their contributions though!
See you all next season for another Awards!