Written by Amstel Flanders at 23:29 28/8-2025
A pilot test episode. This podcast may not be suitable for audience under the legal age. You must be 18 years old or the legal age in your country to be able to read this content. Discretion is adviced.
(Thuds on a mic)
“Why is it fucking dark in here?” (Turn the lights on)
LJW: “And… here we are, folks. Welcome to ‘Flat Out Sprint’, best way to follow sprinting scene, made by maniacs for cycling maniacs. My name is Lance J. Williamson and I’ll be your infamous host for the next 60 minutes. Yes, it’s gonna be a long show so make sure your wife is sleeping, children wrapped up nicely in their beds like Egyptian mummies and your dog is freezing outside, so let’s roll!”
(Pauses and lits a cigarette)
LJW: “Thanks to our amazing sponsors; Amstel, the best beer in the world. Marlboro, one cigarette to boost your super legs and lungs when lacking O’s. Master Jintseng, OCM's greatest of all times, best investor and financial advisor. ‘RatEnd, got problems with rats, rabbits, hamsters, guinea pigs or similars? We whacked ‘em for ya!’ You suck for cycling? Dr. Cicero Cato Brutus will make a star out of you with his efficient alternative treatment.
(Leaves the sponsor page aside and gives a long smoke)
LJW: “You must be wondering the reason of this podcast. Is it really necessary? Will I learn something I haven’t? Well, one time a bastard told me, teach new tricks to an old dog and you will stab yourself in the neck. We all want to know the insides of cycling without paying Netflix to watch ridiculous, poorly scripted documentals. And we want to see the most hot-head cyclist, sprinters; and learn everything about them. Of course, it won’t be 60 minutes of me saying fuck every five words, I fucking invited a great expert of Sprinting, who’ll tell us every little damn secret, from the guys he hated in the peloton to the ways he’d fuck them up,” opens a beer can while smoking. “So, our guest in the first ‘Flat Out Sprint’ is a man well-known in the house, the biggest name in his country… yes, I really love this motherfucker, welcome Sam Azargoshasp.”
(Sam comes in, sits and puts on the headphones)
SA: “Hey, do you really can say, you know, those bad words on live?”
LJW: “Of course Sam, it’s not a politically correct podcast, man, chill out. Gaping pussy people with thin skin isn’t welcome here. How you been? Any recent sex fun with the wife?” (takes a sip, Azargoshasp coughs).
SA: “I don’t think, uh, the people wants to know that.”
LJW: “Yeah, but I do (laughs). So tell me, it’s been a few seasons retired, how a sprinter can deal with the lack of rush, living away of the edge, without turning your head over the shoulder and keep an eye on the rival?”
SA: “To be honest, that’s the hardest part of leaving it. You know, either a captain or teammate, you gotta be alert in every moment while riding, and the final kilometers are the worst. It takes some time and many morning coffees to realize you’re now a father, a husband full time. Finding something to do with your free time is my advice, I normally drink coffee and then I’ll make an inspection around the house, and see if I can fix something broken.”
LJW: “So you are the real man in charge at home now, huh?” grins and Sam nods. “Tell me, you were born in this blessed land and then returned to your parents’ country, how can you describe Iranian cyclism and its difference between American or European?”
(Sam clears out his throat)
SA: “Structure. They got better roads to practice cycling and variety of terrain. I mean, if you are a sprinter the roads are smooth beneath your wheels, and if you are a climber, they have the best mountains in the world. For example, the best Iranian cycling team approaches the many decent downhills to promote local talent, and it means we often struggle in other disciplines. Do you know an Iranian cobbler or time trialist? If government invest more, like the Chinese government and its facilities in the province of Taiwan; we could spot and train talents that aren’t just great downhillers or climbers.”
LJW: “I know. You were a climber in your first days in cycling, so you can talk from experience on how hard it is to put out your watts in summits often not paved.”
SA: It didn’t last long. My type wasn’t a climbers (way too tall and weighted for climbing) and, like my older brother, I tried my luck in sprinting. There wasn’t much competition in most local and U19 races, so i just kept winning race after race, many criteriums and ‘Prince of Persia’, a sprinters race in the south of the country,” laughs.
LJW: “The main reason of not being spotted at a younger age?”
SA: “Possibly. Perhaps team managers never expected fast men coming from our country.”
LJW: “Sure we don’t. In all my years I’ve never seen Iranian dudes in the front of the sprint one-day races or tour, until you appeared like a superhero and saved us all”. (Laughs)
SA: “I was never allowed to wear a cape while riding. If I had been allowed, that clown of Manu Fortin wouldn’t have defeated me in that classic”.
LJW: “Oh yeah, I remember that classic, mate. I was surprised and pissed, too. Good thing your teammates broke his bike.”
SA: “That was something that helped a lot. I mean, the guy sucked badly and his career is a proof,” Sam settles on the chair.
LJW: “True. So speaking of guys you raced with, besides Fortin, any other enemies or respected riders you remember?”
(Sam frowns while thinking)
SA: “Mike Leary is the first guy that came to memory. Good talented rider, we sprinted alongside more than once, a bit underrated for racing mostly outside the big three divisions; but he was a fun dude. My main rival in my 30s. Jammy Poels I think he was my first rival when I started pedalling, very quiet and strong overall, then Dagoberto Cachon made me fall once, so I did the same to him. I got surprised to be voted as MVC of the race, apparently a lot of people hated him (laughs). And Aatu Ollila, he was a young gun when I was a leadout, though I challenged him in some few sprints I did as captain before retirement. He’s still active though, good career in the low-mid divisions, multiple times as national champion though no trophies or jerseys. Bad luck I guess.”
LJW: “It’s a nice review of some of your rivals. Cycling is a tough sport and Sprint, a ten seconds nightmare. Have you followed any tours or races recently?”
SA: “Sometimes I watch races aleatory, specially Norwich-London. This season had many attacks that left a couple of the favorites out of energy before the final sprint. The best sight on TV is when all the sprint trains form in the front of the peloton, ten or eight kilometers before the end, trying to position their leaders in a good place. The moment one of the leadouts misses his positions or fails to do something, it’s when race is lost.”
LJW: “Speaking of sprint trains, did you ever lose a race because your sprint train wasn’t ready or failed their task?”
(SA stares the wall behind LJW)
SA: “Well, there was this race, good for the team in the points but we failed to catch an easy win. It was in Africa, Wilhelm Lindberg joined me and our race director said in the briefing I was the man to lead the team. Can’t remember which of the other guys had a mech fifteen kilometers before the end and Wilhelm was my last teammate. We both were strong that day and let other teams to do the main work, you know. In the final kilometer, he began to accelerate and followed his rear… expecting a launch around 400 meters to the finish line, my regular safe distance to launch the final sprint, but he never moved away. I had to push harder in the end and Lindberg wasn’t strong enough that day for the victory and I was trapped behind his wheel until 100 meters to the line, so we ended 2nd and 3rd.”
LJW: “Yeah, I couldn’t believe what had happened. If my mind doesn’t betray me, one of you was top form.”
SA: “That was me, I believe. Fuck, I was really mad at him and he just waved his hand to me like nothing happened. Followed him this last season, what an incredible come back he did, really happy for him, he mastered that Banderas guy in India with his experience,” he grins.
LJW: “Indeed. Powered by Dr. Cato Brutus, the doctor OCM needed but never cherished. You used to do discreet jumps while launching the sprint. From the outside seemed like you could lose control any moment, but your results say otherwise, can you tell us about your technique of sprinting, Sam?”
SA: “I know, it seemed odd to say the least. You see, I was comfortable riding on lighter bikes, so my weight would press down in long flat roads, giving me enough speed to follow rouleurs and similar fauna. However, you can guess when you output 1200 watts for ten, twelve seconds, bouncing from left to right; it was clear that lighter bike wouldn’t be of much help, so I spent a whole winter training many ways to use that power output and the bicycle together, and that’s how I found out doing little jumps while pedalling at top speed would not only prevent a highly potential fall, but keep my energy output steady.” (grins)
LJW: “Damn, I feel like I’m listening to Einstein,” (SA laughs, LJW grabs a page). “Well, it’s time for Shit Time, Sam; so we’ll point and shoot at anything within our comments, ready?” (grins)
(SA scratches his head, unsure)
LJW: “What’s your thought on Greenland?”
SA: “Easy country to win. Also it’s a heavy land, that ice isn’t melting away in 1000 years.”
LJW: “What about African cycling?”
SA: “Amateur, to be not so harsh.”
LJW: “Where do you think it’s the best training facilities located in the world?”
SA: “Zhing Yao Taipei Aero Centre, China. Those Chinese are growing a lot.”
LJW: “Which rider you think that will win Norwich-London next season?”
SA: “Now that’s a hard one. Hmm I think I’ll pick Simen Tandberg. I’ve been looking carefully at his performances, future best pure sprinter of the world.”
LJW: “And last question, do you think Maty De Fauw has what it takes to become the next Captain Ahab of Amstel Flanders?”
SA: “Surely. I think he’s perhaps one of the best talents the team has ever trained so far, if you surround him with good teammates I’m sure Maty will be a top five Belgian sprinter. I heard he’s still thinking to renew his contract, so it may be a distraction right now. When focused, he can be one of the best of D2 Sprinters.”
LJW: “Thanks for your time and insight, Sam. Also big thanks to our sponsors, fans and haters, you make this team progress with your anger (laughter from SA and LJW). So, if it’s possible, catch y’all soon.” (gives a long smoke and turns off the mic)
Subscribers: 9
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Comments
Ty HKer, wasn't an easy interview tbh :)
Was a good read! Hopefully more eoisodes
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