Season 22, Day 85, Seattle, USA
Just got a call from Yuri SuperTeam and am very excited. The trophy that I designed for Vejle-København was approved this season, and will be handed out in a few weeks. I’ve been invited to attend the race and sit in the press box. To make the most of the opportunity, Yuri invited me to have a conversation with the competing teams to see how the competition looks in these higher division classics, and there’s no better place than the oldest race in OCM!
Season 23, Day 5, Køge, Denmark
Team Unibet and radu are here for Køge-København, I suspect they want to check out the finish line in advance. Team Unibet manager, Michel, invites me over as the team is enjoying the pre-race breakfast of Swedish pancakes. They’re in a very sharp team bus with pop-out sides and everything. It’s plainly decorated and showing a little wear on the edges, having been around for 12 OCM seasons. The pancakes certainly taste like Frej Byggmark, their bus driver/chef, knows his stuff. Frej tells me he’s been making these same pancakes before every race, and he has an eye for how the riders will do based on the amount of syrup they use. I am skeptical, but Frej says, "it will be a good day" and winks at me while he points out that Lukas Brökker is a man to watch.
Rasto from team radu agreed to let me join his team for dinner after the race. Fortunately I remembered to bring a bottle of Cyrus’s finest with me, as it’s traditional to bring some nice beverage to a dinner invitation. I’m treated to vast amounts of Bryndzové pirohy, and enjoy some great conversation with the team’s long-time bus driver Jozef Novotný. Jozef and I are enjoying some truly great Skalický trdelník while he tells me tales from more than 16 seasons of OCM travels with this squad. Radu have hopes of attaining the #1 Slovakian ranking, but you wouldn’t know it by the state of the team bus. Jozef is hoping they can take a result in København and perhaps get the air-conditioning fixed.
Season 23, Day 7, Roubaix, France - I will witness my first serious cobblestone race, and hope to catch up with teams Onie and Drapeau Noir after the race.
Onie invites me to ride along in the team car. It’s a surprising discovery to find myself in the rear seat of a tiny little Nissan Leaf. Onie tells me they don’t like to make all the other team riders inhale exhaust, which I find surprising. I really expected something with foul smelling diesel fuel. He also tells me that their team bus was wrecked last season and that the team travels by train these days. I guess Onie is developing an affection for planet Earth. During the race, we talk about the training of Victor Pardo which is recently completed, and how the team has him focusing purely on Vejle-København. I ask about tactics and topform, but Onie starts rambling about wanting to win in København because of the beautiful history of the race and the gorgeous trophy. I ask if it is possible for him to win and he replies, "I think it is. It won’t be a bridge too far." From that point, I am left to listen to Onie yelling in his race radio, guiding Klaudian Filipiak to a podium finish.
I catch a glare from Delion as I hop out of Onie’s team car after the race, but Drapeau Noir have just captured victory with Julian Pope in great form. As the riders are being escorted around by cameras and microphones, I get a chance to chat with Delion about his long history of success in top division. We were discussing the value of different race strategies when Timo Buchinx ran over and started screaming, "Why am I not captain for Vejle-København!? I won it last season and I have performed very well in Nederlandse Tour!" Delion calmly replied, "I will consider you as co-captain. However, Julian is in top form and has just won today. He may be a cobbler, but we must let him try while he has such form." As Buchinx stormed away, I found myself wondering what it must be like to have to deal with such great riders...each a worthy captain on any given day.
Season 23, Day 8, Guadix, Spain - I caught a ride with EpoTopTeam thanks to manager Manormaniac. From their team facility in France to the Guadix GP, I got to see exactly the style in which a seasoned Zyte Division squad gets around. Bus driver Brain Ginneken was spinning a bizarre mix of 70s disco and Operatic Metal. I was extremely disoriented by the whole thing, but then I looked in the back of the bus and saw the race squad doing interval training with their efforts tied to the songs. Spiridon Apetri has a look of concentration and pain like he’s giving birth through his legs. It’s astonishing to see, and I cannot bear to look at it for long. Brain hints to me that this is a special music mix he has been crafting just for this race. (Later in the day I will see why Manormaniac keeps Brain on as the driver, when Spiridon’s shaved head lurches to the front of the pack for victory.)
The bizarre music on the ride to Guadix left me so disoriented that I got lost on my way to the start of the race. Thankfully Gerret Corner, long-time SE mechanic of team Squiffinator saw me wandering around and invited me to hang out in the Squiffinator team bus during the race. Apparently, Squiffinator are on a four race European tour that starts here and will possibly extend to the Malmö Time Trial on day 16. There is something rather impressive about a team from Canada flying to spain and arranging for a bus to have moose antlers mounted on the hood, even if the bus is clearly low-rent. Gerret tells me that Timothy Rising requests those specific antlers be on the team bus at all times, and that they will be once again mounted when the team heads to Vejle in a few days. The antlers apparently came from a hunting trip with his father when he was a teenager...but I don’t notice the details because there is a bear-skin rug with very lifelike eyes staring up at me. It is the unsettling product of the two team doctors, apparently. I start to ask, but my courage fails me. Before I run screaming in terror from the rug, I get the impression that Squiffinator will be out to improve on their 4th place result last season.
Hommerts Cycling Team has invited me to ride in their team car during today’s race, and I am happy to accept. They didn’t have to travel very far from their base in the Netherlands, so they seem well rested. With Vejle being so close to them, the team marks it specially on their calendar and manager Justin Boonstra tells me they will send their very best squad to race together for the first time in Vejle. Tadaki Ko has only been with the team for a couple of weeks, but they are thriving with him as captain and Justin tells me they are "going for nothing less than a win for Ko!". I’m not familiar with such lofty expectations, but Justin seems very confident and accustomed to expecting wins. Perhaps this level of ego is why he occasionally sells out his entire squad, like he did about six weeks ago. Still, with the kind of crew he will bring to Vejle, I have trouble | | finding fault.
Season 23, Day 8, Los Angeles, USA - It is surprising how normal you feel after being teleported across the world. For technology that only exists in Star Trek and other science fiction, it works surprisingly well.
It appears that Telek@m were busy with some very lucrative projects during their absence from racing. They returned in season 22 after an absence of some time and have already returned to the top levels of OCM with an amazingly well funded team. They sprung for the teleporter trip out of their petty cash reserves, and as I look around at the posh accommodations they have for race day I am convinced they could buy my whole team out of pocket change. They actually have custom made saddles on their bikes that are made from gold fiber instead of carbon. Team manager Didier Brunel invited me into his personal bus for a quick chat before today’s Los Angeles Pursuit and I know we talked about many things, but I can’t remember any of it. He had some flashy-thingy that looked like something out of the movie Men In Black. I remember that, but I don’t remember the rest.
Lunch is served outside by SierraEspadán . It’s buffet style, and I gorge myself on Cochinillo Asado and Pulpo a la Gallega before team manager luigi invites me to use a spare cot for siesta. I was so busy stuffing my face with their delicious lunch that I hadn’t time to ask about their preparations. By the time luigi offered me the cot, all I could think of was a nap. Since the entire team was already blissfully snoring, the timing was perfect. It was the best combination lunch-nap I’ve had in decades, and I could see why Rio Loredo and the rest of the mostly-Spanish squad were so content and had such high Team Spirit. They had only managed an unlucky 13th today, but every rider assured me they were going to work hard together when they get to Denmark. This will be their third trip to the classic, and they’ve previously managed 8th and 10th places. They have high hopes for a top 5 this season.
Season 23, Day 8, Haugesund, Norway - A busy day for me today as I hope to visit 5 teams here in Norway. First up is the intriguing team, Cider Riders . I viewed their team logo and headed out to find the team bus, which I spent nearly two full hours looking for. Eventually, I spot a middle-aged man wearing their team colors, so I introduce myself and find that I am talking to team doctor Lionel Saylor. The team had chosen to park down the street after team manager CiderJ declared, "We will never surrender to the wishes of these controlling maniacs! The worn-out paths will be ignored!" There are rumors of mental issues, but I’m willing to ignore them completely as Lionel tells me the team is hosting a pre-race party to celebrate, "having no chance to win." "It’s a shame," Lionel says, "Cider did so much research on this race and it’s history...and now it’s almost as though he’s given up on it." Given up!? With Gervaso Samper and Mitrofan Ryabkin leading the charge...how is that giving up? I was able to say a brief hello to Juliano Pelentir again and thank him for helping my squad. He seemed happy to have a chance to work with Cider Riders in higher divisions again.
I’m running way behind schedule, but I am fortunate that The Killers is a very large squad of 21. Amazingly, they have only one rookie/untrained rider! Manager seraras welcomes me to their portable complex and introduces me to the riders on hand. It seems that most of the team is spread around the world, as they are signed up for several races in the coming days. Even so, I got to meet some OCM legends in Nicodemus Balanchine and Jens Waesbergen. Afterwards, I got to see the new prototype bicycle trainer machines the team is developing. Apparently they offer better road-feel than other options that most teams are using, and seraras is able to keep the riders on a very strict training regimen without having to rely on actual roads.
My next meeting is with aarin from nonnies . I can’t resist humming, "Hey nonny nonny, sigh no more ladies..." I manage to stop before arriving in nonnies team hotel, thank goodness. I’ve heard rumors they are not fans of Shakespeare and don’t wish to offend. I was a bit surprised when I was directed to this hotel, but found out from manager aarin that the team has lost bus privileges and must ride from the hotel to the start line these days. Anton Ugolnikov is actually there to welcome me, and informs me that aarin had to move on to other things. Anton tells me that he is "feeling fiesty" (his own words) and looking forward to today’s race and then taking on the bridges in Norway. "I’ve only been with this team a couple weeks after leaving Yuri SuperTeam, but I like it here and I think we can do well. One angers me though...apparently we stay at this hotel so that I cannot get vodka. This is cruel, no?" I enjoyed chatting with Anton and he shared with me some of the finer points of launching out of a leadout train. I am left with a feeling that Anton expects great things with nonnes for the next few seasons. Hopefully the team can keep him sober.
After the Haugesund Rundtur is completed, I catch up with Connaught team reliving the tight finish that saw Keegan Sunderland arrive a disappointing 4th place. Connaught is a very experienced team, with not even a single untrained rider on their staff of 17. Manager Keepsite is obviously disappointed in today’s result, but shows me the list of races they are signed up for in the next week and I see that their team success is as much about depth and quantity of races as it is about individual race results. The team travels with a sense of simple luxury. Nothing ornate or overdone, but the riders clearly want for nothing and they respond when their manager asks for top effort. Keepsite must surely be disappointed with only being the #2 team in England, but it seems to me that they must surely have the basis to correct that soon.
Quick step minded
Quick step minded had invited me to dinner, but my day had run so far off the rails that I showed up after all the plates were cleared. Team manager, QSM was nowhere to be found and many of the riders had already shuffled off to their appointments in the team massage lounge. Evan Topper spots me and waves me over as he puts the finishing touches on his latest creation from the team sundae bar. What a way to have dessert! He hands me a bowl and I start to build my own concoction while he tells me about the day Lukas Hooft has just had landing an unlucky 13th. Topper had hoped to participate in Vejle, but his injury prevents it. Instead, he says, "Jamal White will get the call." I really wanted to talk to QSM, but Evan informed me that QSM had locked himself away and put a sign on the door that said "QSM|Studying" so my chance was missed.
Season 23, Day 7, Roubaix, France - I am back in france. It’s an exciting day for me, because I get to meet up with Manisaspor team after the race, but I get to spend
| | the day hanging out with Brian Place, manager of lastplace1414 the #1 team from my home country. I make my way to where they are supposed to be parked, but the team is not to be seen. I hear someone shout at me to "move out of the way!" but I cannot tell where the sound came from. As I twirl left and right a rope drops down beside me. "Tie us off, will you?" It is Merlin Raley, 2nd bus driver of lastplace1414 and this is the arrival of Magic Merlin Raley’s hot air balloon.
I had heard of this, but was truly shocked at the level of opulence to which lastplace1414 has ascended. First, they take their first "Talents" selection, Miguel Marquina and train him up to be this season’s captain, then they take a former top 5 sprinter in Ron Sherman and demote him to a leadout...and finally, they fly to the race in a hot air balloon big enough to house 6 riders, 5 staff and all of their equipment. I was so blown away by the encounter that I forgot to have Brian sign my autograph book.
What a transition, to simply see a normal looking tour bus when I arrived at Manisaspor team location to meet up with Ozgur Akman. I was greeted by Faruk, the team PR manager, as Ozgur was busy with talking to the team about strategy before the race. Faruk told me about their efforts to keep cycling important in their home country of Turkey, and he gave me a brief tour of the team bus after the team left for today’s start. Everything made sense. There did not seem to be a hair out of place. All in a row, and all had a use. Clearly this team had spent their money wisely and with great thought. Faruk also told me that he was embarrassed at having missed signing up for the Volta. "I’m hoping that competing in Vejle-København will make up for it, and I think that Sabri Rasim is up to the challenge. We will race against a similar field." I had hoped to learn something of top level sprint tactics, but once again got nothing! It must be a very different world to mine when you are competing in the top divisions.
Season 23, Day 11, Linares, Spain - I’ve been sitting at the race start line for several hours waiting for honzas, the manager of PEKAC B . The sound of backfiring engines and words that I assume are swearing come from my left and I look to see a pair of ancient Volkswagen Westfalia camper vans spewing black exhaust and a group of 6 cyclist trailing on what look like fixed-gear cyclocross bikes. As they park and the riders hand their bikes to the team mechanic, I make out the name scribbled in the dirt on the side of the van below "Wash Me Please!" It is PEKAC B, arrived just moments before today’s race. Honzas spots me and waves me over. "It seems we are joining a bad party in Vejle...have you seen the entries? I think perhaps I will give sticks to my riders to throw in the spokes of others. Then we will have a chance." As we laugh and enjoy a couple (dozen) cold beers, I learn that the riders are forced to follow the team busses because their bikes do not fit on top when they go through tunnels. Honzas assures me this is also good for Team Spirit, but I leave unconvinced.
Season 23, Day 14, Marseille, France - Just got word that Vejle-København has finally filled, with Team Jayco and Simoni crew rounding out the full 20 team roster, so I head to Marseille to meet up with them at Marseille-Nice .
Team Jayco manager, Lachlan greets me with a stuffed kangaroo. I know already that it will end up piled on my bed at home with the two dozen pillows my wife throws on there. Apparently that makes the bed pretty enough to be worth the ten minutes of digging to climb in every night. They plan to ride for 23 year old Ryder Lancaster in Denmark. He’s been promising lately, but doesn’t have much for results on the scorecard. Lachlan offers me a Foster’s (it’s "Australian for Beer" according to my local steakhouse) and we settle in for an evening of watching mice scurry through the back corners of the weight room. It seems that being the #3 team in Australia doesn’t provide many perks, as their weightlifting benches are all without padding. Lachlan tells me it helps toughen up the riders for riding on Cobbles when they support Samuel Cullen, as they will today into Nice, but I think it’s just cruelty.
I catch up with Simoni Crew and flag down Sven-Erik Häggberg, who will be their captain in Vejle in a couple days. He’s kind of limping and I ask him if he’s fit to race. He just shrugs and says, "I’ve got a contract, so I do as I’m told. I get to ride for our national team, so I can’t really complain if I’m a bit run down and Jannek says GO!" I ask why he’s here for the cobble race today and he explains that their team bus is extraordinarily large because it is the entire team facility. The whole team travels to every race, because it’s their only home. After 16 seasons of OCM racing, Simoni Crew have adopted a unique team-oriented strategy. With 30 minutes before the start of today’s race, Sven excuses himself, "It’s time for our team hug, gotta run." Team hug? That is one of the simplest and most odd pre-race rituals I’ve seen yet.
Season 23, Day 15, Vejle, Denmark - There is a strange buzzing sound in my left ear as I awake. The alarm clock is blurry and I feel somehow out of place. As I make my way down the hall to breakfast, everything goes red. **zot** I’m standing outside of a team bus. It has no distinctive features, but rocks slightly from side to side. I knock and Andreas greets me. "Look, you have to move slowly and don’t look directly in his eyes. Just...just don’t." "What are you talking about?" I ask. I glance to the side and see row upon row of small wooden boats, and then I hear the opening strains of Iron Maiden’s The Number of the Beast. ** zip ** I’m laying in a large white room. Gloved hands pass me a small cup and I am directed to drink. It hurts to raise my head, and I sip. ** zing ** "WANT BRIDGE FOR PLAY WITH BOATS!" rings through the confines of the team bus. I cannot help but look, only to see a double row of what look like prison bars. The bars are engraved with runes that I cannot translate, except for the name Odin. Team ABK manager Andreas draws my attention back, "We will warm up before Volta ao Porto, but will not be satisfied unless we win." ** ziff ** I raise my eyes to see...can a human being be described as feral? A loud crashing sound as The Beast throws himself at the bars that separate us, and the world goes red yet again. ** zoink **
Season 23, Day 15, Seattle, USA - BUZZ!BUZZ!BUZZ! I slap the alarm clock and check my watch. It’s almost 8 am in Denmark. All of my recent travels have left me feeling like I have leaden legs, and I’ve just had the most bizarre of dreams. Perhaps there’s still time to catch up with Team ABK before the race. I want to hear of this rider they call The Beast.
OH NO! I was supposed to get an article written for Yuri! Damn. Well, maybe he can do something with my journal notes...I better go polish up this year’s trophy and get ready to hand it over to the winner.
Written by pundit Scott from ScotterPop to OCM Magazine
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